Another Fun Month in Quarantine
So I was hoping to write something a bit different but everything I type seems to turn…
Uncategorized
Welcome to your new Quarantine Daily Activity List!
So quarantine is a real drag and it can be difficult to get through your day without…
What They Don’t Tell You About Getting Old
Getting old is gross. There’s no way around it. I don’t remember signing up for this shit…
Sorry I have to cancel our plans….but not really
I hate going places. I mean, I purposely setup my house so I never need to leave. …
For Those of Us Dumb Enough to Get Married, Here is the Secret to Success
My wife and I have been married for 10, 11, or possibly 12 years. I’m honestly not…
Hey Amazon, You Can Totally Crash at My Place
So Amazon, I hear you are looking for a new location for a second headquarters. I see…
Let’s All Go Bitcoining!!
For as long as I remember coins have only really been useful to European countries, old men…
For The Love of God, Keep Your Pants On!
It appears that famous men in this country have a serious problem keeping their pants on in…
The Sacred Trust of the Break-Room
I love the work break-room. It has free coffee, a fridge, and a sink I am not…
You Win This Round Low-Flow Toilet
As I once again stand here in the bathroom plunger in hand, I must face the reality…
The Fun at Work Revolution
It’s time we all stopped lying to ourselves. Lugging yourself out of bed, only to spend the…
Mid-Year Affirmations Because I’m Terrible at Most Things
My latest at Humor Outcasts http://humoroutcasts.com/2017/mid-year-affirmations/
Take Me Out to the Food-Game
As the calendar flips over to spring and summer we are greeted by sunshine, beaches, BBQs, and…
I Would be an Awful Person to Kidnap
Based on the numerous kidnapping movies and TV shows I have seen, it is now clear to…
Nature Has the Worst Candy
Snack time is easily the happiest time in my house, especially when my wife isn’t there. My…
It’s What They Don’t Tell You That’s Most Important
“If you take care of your body, it will take care of you.” – Someone annoying and in much…
Time to Shake it Up!
Webster’s defines a rut as “An uninspired routine or pattern of behavior that one continues unthinkingly or because…
Alternative Facts are the Best Facts
Recently Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump interview mouthpiece and Matel’s model for their new “Propaganda Barbie” doll, sat…
Ho, Ho, Oh No!
Christmas time is here and I couldn’t be happier. I love everything about it. The lights, the…
Election 2016: Its Map-tastic!
Now that the election has been completed and all the so called “news” organizations have done their…
Time to Turn Thanksgiving into Relaxgiving
My latest at Humor Outcasts http://humoroutcasts.com/2016/thanksgiving-into-relaxgiving/
Apparently Arby’s Really Does Have “THE MEATS!”
I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Arby’s. It was always the Lisa Simpson…
An Important Public Service Announcement
So as I was reading Facebook today I came across some important and potentially life changing information…
So I See You Noticed My Tucks Pads
Hi Grocery store checkout guy. I see you noticed my Tucks Pads. It makes me sad that…
Some BitterBeardface news
I have been accepted as a contributing writer for Humoroutcasts.com. I will still be posting here but…
These Late 80s/Early 90s NFL Posters are a great way to start the new season
The other day I was sifting through some sports stuff when I came across news of a…
SWOT Analysis: Will Smith
As if the Bathroom Wasn’t Stressful Enough During Middle Age
As a man at a sporting event, there is nothing more annoying than having to go to…
A Husbands Guide to Avoiding Horrible Group Activities
I have never really been a joiner of groups. I guess the only one I really joined…
We would love to have you over at the house, just not on the same day you call us
If you want to see a family with all their shit together, just make sure you give…
Time to Play Name That Planet
Dear International Astronomical Union (IAU), It has come to my attention that the Kepler Space Telescope has…
What’s Your Holographic Backup Plan?
I recently watched an episode of Saturday Night Live where they ran a fake commercial for a new…
Adventure Bay: A Dangerous Place to Live
If you have a child ages 3-7, chances are you have spent many a morning or afternoon…
Of Mice and Men and Chuck E Cheese
As my son has slowly gotten older, I have noticed a new trend during his time watching…
The Dark Side is the Best Side
As a huge Star Wars fan, I have made it a point to introduce my son to…
My Son the Budding Nudist
Chaos would probably be the best word to describe parenting a 5 year old boy. Getting out…
The B.A.R.F Second Annual Over-The-Top Food Year End Wrap Up
Another year has passed and has been another banner year in weird, over the top food items….
Hey NASA, I am Ready to Be an Astronaut
Dear NASA, I noticed via social media that you are now opening up your recruitment process for…
Star Wars and Goodies
The new Star Wars movie is fast approaching and with each new clip and trailer, my hard…
The Simple Joys of Time Travel
Recently we reached a magical day in the history of man. A day like no other. October…
Sorry, I don’t believe you when you say you like body cleanses
So recently I joined the ever growing group of idiots who somehow decided that doing a body…
The Josh Duggar Collapse Continues
This Ashley Madison hack has really brought me some solid entertainment and sweet, sweet, schadenfreude over the…
My day at the ESRI Conference
So I headed off to my annual visit to the ESRI Conference here in San Diego. ESRI…
The Huffington Post is not the Most
The Huffington Post has gotten more and more irritating with each passing week. It’s becoming the meat…
Self Checkout Needs Some Kind of User Screening Process
I have never really been a big fan of going to the grocery store. The horrible parking…
Pizza Hut Needs Your Money Really Badly
In advance of the B.A.R.F San Diego County Fair extravaganza, my friend Patrick sent me some information…
Monkey Chefs? It’s a Brave New World
There was some exciting news last week when I saw this headline: Chimp chefs?! I immediately…
Hey Air Travel, What the Hell Happened to You??
I recently took a cross country flight with my family, consisting a wife who can’t stand to…
Top 10 Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen
Recently I watched the reboot of Robocop and it wasn’t very good. There was really nothing special…
Beard Transplants exist and hipsters rejoice
As a society I feel we have put up with tons of bullshit from hipsters. Their constant…
Everything is better with bacon…well, mostly everything
During my time working for B.A.R.F (Bureau for the Analysis of Ridiculous Foodstuffs), I have learned many…
Selling your house sucks and other irritating things
Its been a tough couple weeks in the Beardface household as we are preparing to put our…
You have sick days for a reason. Use them!
I was at the grocery store near my work picking up a few things for lunch. I…
It’s Good to Be King…at least that is what I am told
The other day I was driving around our neighborhood with my wife and we began our normal…
Your Valentine’s Day shopping guide
It’s here once again…Valentine’s day. Outside of Arbor day, it is easily the dumbest holiday of the…
At KFC, the hits just keep on coming
So it has come to my attention that KFC is out with yet another food item that…
How to never get invited to annoying super bowl parties again
Super bowl is approaching this Sunday, which means there will be super bowl parties galore. Over the…
The B.A.R.F Weird Fast Food Year End Wrap Up
2014 was an exciting year for over the top fast food. Since we were founded late in…
This year I will…who am I kidding, I’m not gonna do a damn thing
As I awoke on January 1st, I felt a little spring in my step. The Year was…
Just review the damn toy please. I don’t need your pointless commentary
I recently finished my Christmas shopping, which has become much easier since I joined the Unified Church…
My Christmas lights are better than yours
Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. Growing up we were one of those Christmas families that…
Its like the Adjustment Bureau, except it isn’t a terrible movie
Over the past several years I have made a hobby out of observing, chronicling, and mocking random…
The Type of “Guy”
The other Sunday my wife took my son over to grandma’s house. This was a fantastic turn…
Everybody Has One
Everybody has one. I am talking assholes and opinions. There is no way around it. It is…
Saturday Mornings are for Exfomercials
When I was a boy (I know, I can almost hear the collective groans at that statement…
The Horror of the One Person Bathroom
I was in Starbucks the other day. It was a rare occurrence, I can’t stand the place. …
My Every 4 Year Quick Soccer Rant
4 years have passed and once again, the country is crazy for soccer. The World Cup has…
Suprising…Not Really
Been away for a bit due to work and life but I am back with some new…
Et Tu, Internet?….Et TU?
You know what’s odd…you don’t?…good, I will tell you… as an adult you spend most of your time…
A Theme for Friday
There is a dark cloud hanging over my week. You have all seen it. It is Throw…
I’ll Take Fries with My Heart Attack
I was at SeaWorld with my family and yes I have seen Blackfish but my son likes…
Whiteface-Gate
In a desperate attempt to drum up any kind of publicity for himself, Nick Canon will be…
The Social Circle of Life
I don’t use Facebook much anymore, but that was not always the case. Facebook was my first…
The Joys of Blogging
There will be some content here as soon as I get this theme business worked out. Update:…