So quarantine is a real drag and it can be difficult to get through your day without going full “The Shining” on your family or drinking a half gallon of bleach. Luckily I am here to help with a list of fun suggestions to get you through the daily grind of home imprisonment.
- Wake up and sneak off to the closet for your morning shot of courage, sponsored by Jack Daniels, followed by soft weeping into the loving embrace of your favorite stuffed animal.
- Attempt to invent new breakfast food by closing your eyes and combining the first 5 things you grab from the fridge
- Write down reminder to never eat again waffles topped with horse radish, thousand island dressing, left over tuna, and capers
- Continue work on your script for a stage musical adaptation of the movie “Seven”. Begin work on the big finale song “Oh shit, whats in the box?!”
- Attempt to only eat 3 lunches
- flip through all the books you told yourself you are going to read over the next year and find the ones with the softest pages to use as toilet paper
- begin prototype of your “Slutty Ventilator” Halloween costume
- Put on cod piece and run into the front yard for your 1 man Burning Man Festival. Conclude festival by setting yourself on fire
- Begin 2 hour “dinner” phase of your day. Make sure family doesn’t see the key food hiding places you are currently using.
- Lay out “the new me” exercise program you are going to start, but probably not till next Monday since its always a good idea to start these things at the beginning of a new week. Quickly consume 4 ice cream sandwiches to celebrate the new you.
- Watch pandemic related Netflix movie for survival tips while drinking rubbing alcohol
- Cry yourself to sleep while watching old videos of yourself having fun outside with friends.
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