I hate going places. I mean, I purposely setup my house so I never need to leave. I have multiple TVs, video game systems, storage for both food and drink, and a family that I can cast as friend or foe, depending on what mood I am currently in. Even with all that fun packed between 4 walls, there is something else I love to do which brings an extra special spice to my life…Canceling Plans.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are lots of great things in life, like the smell of a freshly cut lawn, beautiful beach sunsets, and most importantly, two for one coupons for Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I mean, those are all great, but they don’t carry the same action packed satisfaction of a good plan-cancel.
Yes, getting out of doing shit with others has definitely become one of my greatest joys. Its like legal cocaine without any of the downsides of heavy narcotics use. Starting the week out having to go to some pain in the ass party and ending it with the endorphin rush of not going and simply slumping into the couch, beer in hand, as I count down the seconds till my wife goes to bed so I can play Far Cry 5, is a symphony of pleasure. Of course not all cancels are created equal so it will take some time for you to really find your groove. Here is a handy list complete with a handy beer-based rating system to help you jump on the highway to canceled plans bliss.
So, So Tired – Probably the weakest of all in both excuse quality and personal satisfaction, you can always fall back on the “its been a long week. I have had lots of stress. Work has been really busy” bullshit to cancel the occasional plans, but I try to never go to it very often. It is really just me being honest about being tired and stressed trying to come up with a decent excuse to cancel the plans I stupidly made while drunk. Although I get to stay home, it really won’t be much fun due to creeping guilt about not being able to fool anyone and knowing that everyone knows I am full of it.. Rating – 🍺
Its not that I don’t like hanging out with you, its just that I like my stuff more, that’s all. Also, your beard smells like a breakfast burrito that was left out on a hot driveway for 5 days. I mean, do you wash that thing?
The Injured Reserve – Everyone has that one friend who is always “hurt”. I put it in quotes because we know they are all full of shit and are just getting odd procedures for the drugs. If you use this, It has to be a good injury. A simple broken toe, finger, or simple sprain won’t cut it. Anyone could fight through that to sit at a bar, restaurant, or a movie. But a hurt back? That will get you probably 5 years worth of cancels. But forget about trying to constantly use a bad shoulder or foot. No one is buying that crap. This one can be a challenge to pull off and really creates a multi-level cancel joy structure depending on if you have enough booze and pain meds in your house. Rating – No booze and pain meds 🍺🍺 With booze and pain meds 🍺🍺🍺
And Baby Makes 3 – Nothing in life will provide you with more excuses to not do shit than a child. It is the golden ticket of “I don’t want to leave my house…ever…for anything..again”. From fevers, to stomach flu, to canceled babysitters, there is no better way to get out of doing stuff than blaming something relating to your kid. And if I have to be honest, it was probably one of the top 3 reasons I decided to have a kid. It is a near bulletproof excuse, especially if all of your friends also have kids. You see, even if they don’t believe you, they can’t say shit because they know at some point they’re going to need the same excuse get out of doing shit with you. And please spare me all your “faking your kid’s sickness is bad karma” crap. That kind of talk is for pussies. Chance favors the bold. Rating – 🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺
The Glory – This is the holy grail of all cancels. Its when the other people you are supposed to meet cancel the plans. You get all the cancel and none of the guilt. I have to be honest, i don’t even listen to the reasons they give because I don’t give a shit. By the time they finish the first part of the sentence “we won’t be able to make it..” I am already in my underwear, slow dancing with my dog, and chugging beers. Rating – 🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺
So the next time someone asks you to attend some horrible local art house movie or one of those painting classes while you drink wine, remember this post and these words of wisdom “The best plans on Earth are Canceled Plans!”
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