Recently Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump interview mouthpiece and Matel’s model for their new “Propaganda Barbie” doll, sat down with Chuck Todd to discuss all the exciting happenings with our new President’s administration. During the interview, she stated that their administration will be presenting “alternative facts” when the media presents them with actual facts. I don’t know about anyone else but I was incredibly excited by this development. Basically, she told us that the President will just be creating his own reality and everything else means jack shit.
I know some people might find this frightening but they are failing to see how amazing this is for all of us, the common men and women of the world. Since the President says its totally cool to just create your own facts out of thin air, that gives every American the right and patriotic duty to follow suit and do it ourselves. And you don’t want to seem unpatriotic, do you? So everyone grab your flag pins and buckle up for a taste of 2017 America, the year that Alternative Facts became reality and reality was beaten worse than Cleveland Browns on a Sunday afternoon. Here are some that you can use right now to improve your life while making America great and simultaneously incredibly fucking stupid.
Alternative Facts! (Sponsored by the Cocaine dealers of America. The way things are going, you’re gonna need us!)
- Cheerios are actually bagel seeds, which makes them a perfect Palo-Diet friendly breakfast
- Dippin’ Dots are in fact the ice cream of the future if you travel back in time 20 years.
- An apple a day does not keep the doctor away. Turns out doctors have been secretly poisoning them for decades as part of a huge medical money pyramid
- Xenu, the god of Scientology, is actually a porn star best known for his impressive work in Schindler’s Fist and Shaving Ryan’s Privates.
- Having sex with your cousin is definitely not creepy as shit.
- President Trump decrees that the exclamation point will replace all other forms of punctuation.
- People that post song lyrics on Facebook are in fact NOT dangerous psychopaths like we all thought they were.
- Making a sequel to a movie 10 years after the original is always a good idea
- Man Boobs are a sign of intelligence, good looks, and sexual prowess.
- Diarrhea is the main side effect of watching anything starring Dax Sheppard
- That was not cream in the Boston Cream donut you just ate.
- Size doesn’t matter. Its all about motion of the ocean. Having a huge hog is not a massive advantage in bed
- Selling Amway is a great way to make friends and influence people
- People love it when you invite them to “parties” where you try and sell them shit. Keep doing it, its awesome.
- It’s cool to classify everything you enjoy as Fergalicious.
- People that claim they love their job are on some seriously good drugs. Try and score some from them
- Everyone loves it when you post overly sappy, lovey-dovey messages to your significant other on social media sites. They don’t sit around mocking you and hilariously laughing. They all cuddle and bask in the glow of your obvious overcompensation.
- Nothing makes Thanksgiving dinner more fun than a spirited political discussion.
- Compost bins are a great idea. No one notices that your house smells like a cow-shit factory.
- 4 out of 5 dentists recommend chewing Trident because it is terrible gum and most dentists are assholes.
- Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon’s contributions to political discourse are invaluable
This is just a start. There is a whole magic realm of alternative facts right at your finger tips. So get out there and shape your own reality before someone else creates one that totally sucks.
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