Christmas time is here and I couldn’t be happier. I love everything about it. The lights, the decorations, the corny parties with ugly sweaters, and of course, the copious amounts of food and drink. One thing I always secretly look forward to is listening to Christmas music until my ears bleed. Maybe it is my festive side, or more likely, it is the fact that I’m a total Christmas crazy person. Either way, being obsessed with Christmas music has also taught me, that just like movies, some of it is so horribly bad, it’s good. Here are some of my favorites that are guaranteed to clear out any Christmas party of unwanted guests and bring a smile to your face.
Keith Sweat – Christmas of Love
Christmas is a lot of things, but sexy sure as shit isn’t one of them. Unfortunately that’s the journey Keith tries to take us on. When the second song on the album brings you “One, two, three, and to the four/Christmastime and we down for sure” you can pretty much guarantee the only place this will ever be heard is the checkout line at the 99 cent store. Just be thankful R Kelly hasn’t done one of these.
Ally McBeal – A Very Ally Christmas
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that one of the most irritating shows in history gave birth to an equally irritating Christmas album. These features some doozies, but the highlight is Calista Flockhart singing Santa Baby. If you are interested in what is sounds like, just go find an alley that is hosting a cat orgy.
David Hasselhoff – The Night Before Christmas
Of cours, The Hoff checks in with an absolutely terrible album. Every song is beyond cheesy and terrible, making it hard point to just one. So I will give you two. The first highlight is the sort of a capella version of Hark the Herald Angels Sing. That’s right, pure Hoff, and easily the worst backup singers this side of a Branson Side Show. The second is his piano accompanied version of The Christmas Song which is certainly destined to be a staple at a dentist office near you this holiday season.
Regis Philbin – Christmas Album
As you can imagine, he can’t sing worth a shit so this whole thing is a disaster but, in a not so shocking turn of events (thanks again 2016) he has a duet with Donald Trump…yes Donald Trump…singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Trump chines in with some spoken word snipets and of course ends the song with his famous line “You’re Fired!” Here is the claymation version where Trump invades the classic Rudolph cartoon..spoiler alert…He is a total douche in it.
Christmas with Colonel Sanders
If how you feel after eating their chicken is any type of guide here, better listen to this one while you are sitting on the toilet.
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I have no idea what the fuck this is but the cover is hilarious. My guess is Klappa Pa either means Merry Christmas or Swallow My Sausage.
John Travolta and Olivia Newton John – This Christmas
Forget the music, what in the holy hell is going on with Travolta’s face! Seriously, WTF is going on with his hairline. Is he wearing a Lego? Does he have Elf ears? When you zoom in the picture it looks like office carpet stapled to his scalp. That has to be painted on the picture, right? I mean, that can’t be his actual face and hair, could it? Holy shit. Oh, and the songs are awful, too.
Rosie O’Donnell – A Rosie Christmas
Well this one proves just because you know a bunchy of celebrity singers, doesn’t mean you should sing too. This album is full of regrettable choices, like “Do You Hear What I Hear” with Elmo, a duet with Cher, and the dreaded original Christmas song titled “Gonna Eat for Christmas” with Gloria Estefan. Apparently the creation of this album led to a world wide auto-tune shortage.
Sarah McLaughlin – The Classic Christmas Album
The go to choice for Holiday depression. Rumor has it this one comes with a DVD that has that animal cruelty commercial she does on a continuous loop for 4 hours.
Ru Paul – HO HO HO
Beyond unnecessary, the highlight of this disaster is a version of All I Want for Christmas where Ru Paul lays out all the different plastic surgeries she/he wants.
Scott Wieiland – The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Made by a radio station in 2011, this album quickly devolves into some type of college music class experiment, doing versions of classic songs like “Silent Night” and “O Holy Night,” complete with steel drums, reggae guitar and some really poor vocals. I believe this was at the point where the drugs really got him and his voice was completely gone. His face in the picture is basically saying “Seriously? Are we really fucking doing this?” Don’t worry Scott, none of us can believe it either.
Jim Nabors Christmas
Anyone bold enough to wear white shoes, white pants, and a matching white dicky is super fucking hard core and deserves some recognition.
Raffi – Raffi’s Chrisltmas Album
99% of children’s albums are terrible but the real kicker here is the cover. How fucking shady does this guy look? If someone dressed like this even came within 100 feet of my son I would chase him with a bat.
Kay Martin – I Know What he Wants for Christmas
Is it tits? He wants tits. Am I right? What do I win? You also seem to have figured out how to wrap them so this album title makes next to no sense.
Roseanne Barr – Roseanne Sings the Christmas Classics
Get your cotton balls ready to soak up your ear blood as you listen to Roseanne sing the Christmas Classics, which somehow include Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. I have never even heard of that second one. This album makes her national anthem performance seem like an evening with Bocceli.
Well there you have it. Some of the classically bad. Unfortunately I am not sure any of these will bring the bad movie joy that most solid B Movies do but it is worth a shot. Maybe if you listen to them while watching Battleship, They might “sync up” according to this dude I know that smoke lots of weed. Merry Christmas!
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