As a huge Star Wars fan, I have made it a point to introduce my son to the joys of a galaxy far, far away. I was hoping it would become something he would enjoy and a great thing we could share throughout his childhood. Fortunately for me, he loves it. He loves the cartoons, the toys, the Legos, the movies, and just about anything you can slap a Star Wars character on. After several years of trying to get him to love my favorite characters I have resigned myself to the inconvienient truth that my son is a budding Sith Lord.
He loves Star Wars villians. He plays exclusively with Lego Storm Troopers and Empire vehicles. We started watching the Star Wars Rebels cartoon and his favorite character was immediately this guy.
That’s The Inquistior, Darth Vader’s helper. And speaking of Darth Vader, I think he wishes he was his father instead of me. We have Darth Vader shoes, cups, balls, sweatshirts, dolls, legos, and matchbox cars. He has a black car seat which is called “My Darth Vader seat”. He was Darth Vader for Halloween and continues to dress in the costume at least 3 times a month for the last year and a half. All our light sabers are red. Three times a week he tries to Force Choke me for the sheer pleasure of it.
I found this to be quite interesting since I was the opposite when I was younger, so I sat down and took a full Star Wars inventory of the Force and Jedi culture, and what I found shocked me. The light-side is totally lame. Here’s why:
They look like early 90’s hipsters.
Look at this picture.
A feathered mullet, a rat tail, and a bald dude. All of which are wearing what can only be described as homemade bathrobes. I mean, look at those sleeves. They are at least 10x Talking Heads concert suit magnitude. Sam Jackson’s getup looks like he pulled down my grandma’s curtains and draped them over himself. Is that burlap? And don’t even get me started on those fly fishing wader style boots they all have. They look more ready for a coffee house poetry slam far, far away than saving the galaxy. Compare this to the dark-side.
You…shut the hell up and get me a beer and some grilled Ewok!
Check that shit out. Sweet all black outfit, kick ass cape, scary helmet, and there is all kinds of robot-type shit built into his suit. Not to mention a sweet batman style utility belt. Instead of bossing around a little whiny-ass rat-tail boy, you get an army of scary ass dudes in white armor with guns ready to blast the ever living shit out of anything you point at! Really no contest there. Vader is a badass! What the hell was I thinking at 6 years old? I blame my parents.
Force Power Drain
The Force powers that the light-side wield are just a total letdown. I mean, you can levitate some shit and confuse morons into having trouble finding a specific type of droid. That’s about it. Wow, sign me up! I can get the TV remote from across the room and trick some Japanese guy into giving my son a free pet robot dog.
“These aren’t the droids you are looking for…and where is the closest “massage” parlor? I feel a tremor in the force…in my pants”
Now lets look at the Dark-side. Of course you get the basic levitating stuff power even if you are evil, but there is so much more. Like this
Yeah, that’s what you think it is. Lighting. You get to shoot lightning from your hands! That kicks so much ass. With lighting power I can smite my enemies, jump start my car, grill burgers and hotdogs whenever and wherever I please (this will kick total ass for tailgating) defibrillate any old people that drop dead near me, and tweak my nipples during sex without having to drag a car battery into the bedroom (don’t judge!) You also get my favorite power, the force choke. Simply putting up two fingers in front of someone and you can choke the life out of them, or more importantly, get them to shut the hell up. Just picture this, you are at work. You boss walks in while you are busy and starts yapping about some stupid bullshit he wants to you to do because he is too lazy to do it himself. Before he can even get his second word out, up go your fingers and he is stopped in his tracks. Terrified, he slowly backs away and you are left in peace to finish your day at the office.
Who’s the Master
All Jedi are taught the ropes by their master. Again, the Lightside choice is about as popular as a bastard at a family reunion. Here he is
Spare me the cute talk, cute sucks. if I join the lightside I have to spend all my days and nights hanging out with a hunchbacked, backwards talking, Vern Troyer-Lizard Midget on a planet that is 100% disgusting swamp. And look at the condition of him, what a mess. I mean, the first thing I think is “god, his breath must be terrible!” and judging by the condition of those fingernails and hair, I bet dollars to donuts I am right. Keep that in mind that you also have to carry is ass around in a little backpack while he trains you and is all up in your mix talking about the force with his dragon breath.
Hey Yoda, in my back pocket are a whole box of breath mints, feel free to take them all!
Compare that to our buddy, Darth Vader
Sweet!!! With the Darkside, I get to cruise around with the King of Baddassery in a bitchin’ Camaro with two personal body guards. You know you’ll be pulling all kinds of tail and mind tricking the shit out of people for free stuff. Could you imagine what it would be like to hit up Vegas with him? Driving around with a Camaro full of strippers and casino money just owning the town! Sign me up right now.
After completing the exercise it all made sense. I now understood why I could only get him to like R2D2 and Chewie from the good team. The pull of the darkside is real, and believe it or not, it is real cool. I am not sure why I didn’t see this as a kid, maybe my son is just much smarter than I was, which when I think about it, is probably not that hard. I blame my parents, those goody-goody jerks.
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Awww I want Yoda as a pet!