Hey NASA, I am Ready to Be an Astronaut

Dear NASA,

I noticed via social media that you are now opening up your recruitment process for new astronauts.  Well, your search is over as I have decided to throw my hat into the ring.

Ever since I was a young boy, I dreamed of going into space.  Not so much to do research or collect rocks, but to shoot stuff, litter on other planets, bang sort of hot green chicks, and wipe out other species that “seem hostile” or “scare me because they are different”.  You know, real American stuff!

Now at first glance I don’t exactly fit the “former military pilot in great shape” you have been using since the 50s, but that’s OK. This is a new time and a new time calls for some out of the box thinking to bring new ideas, and more importantly, the potential for higher TV ratings to the space program. I mean do you really want the same boring “by the book” pilot guys in that capsule running this mission?  No, you want someone who is going to stir the pot, who isn’t afraid to freak out a bit, get crazy, and soil themselves. A crew member who could turn any spaceflight into a really solid low end cable TV reality show, and I am the perfect man for that job.

I know you might think that is risky, but I am not without certain qualifications. I have watched tons of space movies throughout my life which should definitely prepare me to be your next superstar astronaut.  I would like to point specifically to the 10 times I have seen Space Camp, the 4 times I have seen The Right Stuff, Gravity, and the countless time I have seen Aliens.  These have not only prepared me for the rigorous training requirements, they have also taught me several important lessons.

1. Never trust androids, robots, or talking computers with oddly soothing voices
2. If you encounter an alien ship, don’t go inside. If you do, and see things that look like eggs, run like hell
3. If you are going to whine and scream “Game over man! Game over!” when something goes wrong, make sure you are holding a large gun so people don’t make fun of you
4. In case of Thermal Curtain Failure, always fire up the other booster rockets to prevent explosion
5. It never hurts to know Morse Code even though people under 40 have no idea what the hell that even is
6. Always make sure the mission has a non-white astronaut so they can perform some kind of dangerous, no chance of survival outside the ship fix on a vital system.

Along with my rigorous movie training, modern technology has brought us even more ways to prepare for a space flight, and I have used them all.  Is there an app for being an astronaut?  Damn straight there is.  I have learned how to fly a space shuttle, move in zero gravity, successfully plummet to the earth, and operate a moon rover. The moon rover thing could really come in handy when I am on Mars.  It will definitely help me escape from the inevitable mental breakdown/killing spree that comes with a small group of people spending years on a dead planet in tight spaces.

I am also aware that there are other concerns, like being confined to small spaces during space travel and space station life.  I am again fully prepared for these types of occurrences.  I once hid in the small bedroom closet of a girl who lived down the street for an entire day with only a small blanket to cover me and a small hole to look through. Outside of the small issue with the 100 yard restraining order, that mission went swimmingly.  Food quality is also a challenge but one I am without a doubt prepared for.  When I was in elementary school I won an astronaut ice cream eating contest after a trip to the space museum.  You know those pouches of ice cream left over from the first Apollo mission you sell in the gift shops?  I ate 10 of those in one sitting with only minimal cramping and diarrhea.

So there you have it, just a taste of what I can offer.  Of course, there is so much more, but I don’t want to give it all away up front like your mom does.  So get my helmet and space suit ready and let the chips fall where they may.  Worst case, I could easily fill in for any one of the project X monkeys you got stashed on that base, and I am pretty sure I don’t throw as much poop as they do.

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