Hey Air Travel, What the Hell Happened to You??

I recently took a cross country flight with my family, consisting a wife who can’t stand to travel and a 4 year old that acts like a caveboy who just ate 2 tons of pixie stix.  In order to keep the peace, I load myself up like some kind of non-skilled Sherpa, carrying bag upon bag of things to keep my son from tearing the plane apart (see the picture above). In those bags are more toys and electronics than most local malls contain. As I sat there, cramped into some awful 30 year old seat, I realized something.  Taking an airplane anywhere these days is just simply fucking terrible.

Case in point, look at this picture of air travel from the 1970s.

So this is the inside of an airplane from the early 70s.  Notice the massive leg room, large seats, and just a tremendous amount of comfort and happiness.  This isn’t even first class.  I bet you are wondering what that stewardess in the middle is standing behind. That’s food.  Actually food.  Look at it, in all its glory.  I know why you probably didn’t recognize it since the “food” you get now is a $9 “pastrami” sandwich that was clearly obtained via a nighttime raid on a supply truck for your local gas station.  Everything here just looks so clean and happy, who wouldn’t want to travel on this plane?

Well, it’s time to exit the way back machine and zip on back to the present to see the current state of air travel.

Jesus, what a nightmare.  I can actually smell this picture.  I love those sanitary napkins on the tops of the seats. Yeah that will totally protect you from any germs and head lice accumulated from the last 10 flights.  It is highly unlikely that those are regularly changed, if at all. And the seat quality?  If you like sitting on hay and old newspapers then you scored big time! Look at how fucking cramped and shitty this looks compared to the previous picture.  The poor lady on the right doesn’t even have enough room to lift her arm up because that old dude in mom jeans is passed out all over her.  This picture just brings back sweaty acid-trip style flash backs of standing outside the plane’s bathroom for 15 minutes, knowing full well you are about to walk into a stink box death trap where everything you do is a hook shot.  Then you trudge dejectedly back to your cramped seat to collect ass crack sweat as you try and find some way to pass the slowly ticking minutes until you hopefully land on time to catch another tin can of doom that will connect you to your final destination.

Somehow airlines have managed to create flying DMV waiting rooms and are able to stuff as many people into these stink traps as humanly possible.  How and when did this happen?  How did we let it happen?  Hard to say, but I think the lack of any type of quality Eurpean-style high speed rail has allowed airlines to simply do whatever the hell they want and we have no defense.  I remember a time when you talked about flying and some people would give you “I prefer to fly” which slowly turned to “I don’t mind to fly”.  Now when you ask someone, their face contorts into something you would expect to see if you told them their neighbor just raped their dog.  No one, I mean no one, has anything positive to say about flying anymore.  And just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, the airlines are ready to unveil their latest Fuck You to the would-be traveler.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the SkyRider.

Holy shit does that look terrible.  This is the airlines latest idea to get more people on each flight.  Row upon row of these half-assed “seats” where passengers will be forced to sit-stand for hours on end like some kind of endless middle school gym class calisthenics program.  Unless those padded wedges have a vibrate option I simply don’t see any way I would ever get my wife on an airplane again.  Not to mention how close together it makes everyone.  I am sure the women out there would be super exited to be seated in front of some creepy hair sniffer, spending 3 hours listening to the deep inhales followed by a series of shady moan/exhales.  Sounds awesome.  And don’t even get me started on the farting.  That lack of padding has no chance of trapping any noxious fumes from spreading all over the plane.

I honestly can’t think of a bigger fuck you than these seats. They don’t even want us to have our little fold down tray table anymore. Where am I supposed to put my free cup of ice?! This would be like sitting on a stand up roller coast without the roller coaster part, for a full day. I mean where does this go after these seats are installed? Are they just throw us all into a plane with no seats or windows like we are luggage? I have never really been a huge fan of flying, but it was tolerable, and a necessary evil to get places I want to go. But this is just getting ridiculous.  It took us 16 hours to get across the country last week and it just looks like things are getting worse.  Hopefully my son likes San Diego, because if someone doesn’t get “workin’ on the railroad all the live long day”, I don’t see myself going anywhere, anytime soon.

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