Its been a tough couple weeks in the Beardface household as we are preparing to put our house on the market. The process of getting everything together, cleaning, fixing, eating, sleeping, and packing sucks hard, so I decided to just list the top things that are currently irritating the shit out of me to vent some of my frustration.
Writing the description for my house listing
It is just a pack of lies to trick someone into buying my house. I am going to be basic stuff…Well maintained, close to good schools, quiet cul-de-sac, etc. What a weird word that is, cul-de-sac. Sounds like a French STD. If it were a true listing it would sound more like:
Looks good on the outside but inside smells of farts, bad breath, and feet. New paint hides most of the crayon, pudding, and other toddler related wall decorations. Lawn is super green due to a chemical cocktail that would kill the Toxic Avenger. Dog hair rolls across the floor like tumble weed. Charming family of 600 centipedes live in all the pipes and small crevices of the house. The garage doubles as a cricket flop house so the rent from that pays for most of the mortgage. Most of the schools around it suck, which is why we are moving, but they will be great for you though!
I mean who wouldn’t want to buy that?
This incredibly stupid movie
I was watching Archer the other night on my DVR and for some reason forgot to fast forward during the commercials. If I had, I would have avoided this:
This “movie” is called Unfriended and looks to be beyond stupid. At first I couldn’t tell if it was a movie preview or a PSA on the dangers of using Skype. The title is laughable and is just a poor attempt at a social media tie in to suck in younger viewers. “You were mean to me so I will unfriend you in the ultimate, unfriendiest kind of way. By killing you on Skype and then going on your Facebook page and posting a status that says “Feeling Dead” , which comes with some kind of stupid death emoji.
Of course, the movie has to be filmed via that home video camera pseudo first person thing that is still somehow considered quality film making. Fuck you Cloverfield for unleashing that on the world. Did anyone else see Cloverfield? I honestly almost barfed. It was like being stuck on a merry-go-round going 75 mph for 90 minutes. I really don’t see how anything in this trailer is even remotely scary. Are we really supposed to believe that a guy that fat getting his hand and face caught in a blender or other kitchen appliance is a random occurrence? Not with those man boobs it isn’t.
Anything that involves a Potluck
In the history of parties, no term strikes more fear into the heart of guests than the term Potluck. It is even more terrifying than the dreaded 70’s party. My work insists on having has these nightmares all the time. They all follow the same pattern. You walk into the kitchen and your first thought is “Oh good God, what the fuck is that smell?” as you look down at a buffet so terrible you wish you were at Sizzler. Once all your nose hairs are burned out and you have established your presence, you now have to listen to everyone talk about their food, how they made it, blah blah blah. The real problems start when you actually see the food and can’t tell what the hell it is. You quickly bust out the “Wow, all this stuff looks great!” as you get your gastro doctor’s emergency phone number queued up on your cell phone. Then all the people who brought their “signature dish” stare daggers at you until you get some of their food. You can’t leave anyone out which means you have to eat the disturbing fish dish and random green thing that someone always brings. You know the thing I mean.
So Lime jello with olives, radish, endive, and tuna. Wow, I couldn’t think of anything better to go with my lime jello than all those ingredients. What’s for dessert, smoked salmon and chocolate pudding wraps?
Of course a smile must always be maintained, even if you are about to barf when you taste the “casserole” that Barb from accounting brought in. Before you realize what is happening, your plate turns from a source of lunchtime nourishment into a ticking time bomb of stomach pain and diarrhea as all these random foods hit your stomach at the same time. Seriously, if I had access to a time machine, one of my top 5 things would be to go back in time and murder whoever invented these disasters.
Well I feel much better. There is more bitterness to vent but it will have to wait for another day. I have to get ready for the large groups of people who will be traipsing through my house tonight judging me based on my choice of furniture and window coverings. So how about you? Got anything that is pissing you off these days?
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