TV Review: CSI Cyber

So the wife and I sat down and watched the Pilot of CSI: Cyber, the latest in the endless march of CSI related programming that is forced down our throats. I was going to write a review but felt I should wait until I saw episode 2 and see what it is really all about.  I am happy to report, that after two episodes it is absolutely crap-tastic in ways I will try to describe below.

So the show starts off with a baby being kidnapped (every episode of every version starts off the same way, some crime occurs) but since a nanny cam was involved Patricia Arquette decides it is a cyber crime.  Seriously, that happens.  She goes and argues with the little nerdy guy from Ally McBeal until she gets the case.  Now we get to meet the team.  James Vanderbeek is the muscle/faceman of the show.  Probably former military.  There is a quirky techno chick and a big fat white guy who is the king IT nerd of CSI Cyber.  Later in the show we learn the fat guy is the best in the world at catching hackers and actually caught the next member of the team, Little Bow Wow.  He now goes by Shad Moss and is the “arrested hacker forced to work for the government or go to jail” guy.  Arquette is the team leader.  Her back story will come later.  Ok, you have met the team. Ready, set, CYBER!!

Welcome to the Cyber-Dome! Do we get HBO up in this place?  Game of Thrones mother fucker!

Let me start by saying that it is one of those shows you have to watch to really appreciate how bad it is.  There is a constant barrage of anything “cyber” they can think of.  These items are then just shoe-horned it into the show, like a monkey trying to hammer a square peg in a round hole.  So much so, that at points you totally lose the story, become foggy and confused, and realize you might be having an epileptic seizure.  I know what you are thinking, it can’t be that bad.  Well it is. In most of these CSI shows, they talk about going to a location, the scene changes, and there is some text on the bottom that tells you where they went. Not CSI: Cyber. This show quickly cuts to a computer 3D map with the starting location, and then some quick blue laser lights move across the ground to the destination, complete with techno-whooshing sounds.

Forget the dialogue…check out this intense cyber earth shit over my shoulder…fucking awesome, right?

It would be OK if it was just the maps or a couple things here and there.  But it is constant, blinky in your face special effects.  Talking about the anything happening on the earth generates some colorful 3D CGI globe.  Mention a SIM card and there it is, in all its red CGI glory.  God help you if you say Bluetooth.  That leads to an over explanation of blue tooth radios and blue lights everywhere which I think are signals.  This led to a scene with 12 digit blue tooth ID codes floating over every person walking around in a subway station.

They can’t even read normally.  Witness statements are read off a tablet, and as you hear the narration of the text, the words jump out of the tablet and start floating everywhere like a bad acid trip.  I feel like these people don’t take proper advantage of all these auto-generated special effects.  I would just be walking around yelling “Boobs” and be swimming in a 3D CGI blue boob-nipple paradise, all without having to go to that dangerous planet from Avatar.

If I try to bang one of these, does it count as Cyber Sex?

I mean look at the bullshit in that picture above.   Those are 3 dead bodies if the picture is hard to make out. This scene came after they tracked down one of their leads, which my wife and I didn’t even remember them getting.  They caught some drugged-up rednecks at some back woods general store.  Suddenly their two suspects were killed and then CSI: Cyber killed the shooter.  After the shooting, don’t you think the agents would have to talk to the local authorities about the shooting?  Wouldn’t you go to the local coroners office while you were in town to check the bodies for evidence?

Agent 1: “I guess we should file and report and check for evidence with the coroner”

Agent 2: “Nah, fuck that shit, that sounds boring.  Let’s grab a sack of White Castles and head back to the Cyber-Dome.  We can get some no-name Army guy to Cyber-whoosh us some blue outlines of their bodies to look at while he pumps in some cool special effects that show bullets, blood, and organs and shit.”

Please tell me there is a Groupon hidden somewhere in all this bullshit.  Mama needs a new pair of everything!

During the first couple episodes they provide some background on the characters and what they do, but most the dialogue is really cardboard and there just isn’t much depth.  Everything seems robotic and unrehearsed.  My favorite line came from Bow Wow.  He was trying to figure something out and was talking in rhyme while working.  When asked why, he comes with “I think better when I rhyme.”  Ugh, kill me.  If you were any good at rapping you wouldn’t be on this shitty show.

Toward the end of the show and in the beginning of episode 2 we get the back story on Arquette’s character.  She was a Dr but made the mistake of storing her records “in the cloud”.  They were stolen and someone was murdered.  Since the internet can kill you and they never caught the murder, she was driven to join CSI:Cyber by a thirst for justice.  So that will be the running story in the background, kind of like the whole Red John thing in the mentalist, which turned out to be a disaster.  No idea what they will call this person.  Knowing this show, probably something original like Blue Mike or Sy Bercrime.

So there you have it.  The show is bad but in a good way.  There is probably enough here for you to enjoy a couple episodes while drinking before you will want to blow your brains out.  I would try and catch it soon, I doubt it will be around for long.

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