How to never get invited to annoying super bowl parties again

Super bowl is approaching this Sunday, which means there will be super bowl parties galore.  Over the years I have really grown to hate these. They are always crowded and it is hard to actually watch the game.  You can never get up once you have a good seat.  Once you do, you are toast.  You go take a wiz, come back, and now have to sit in a folding chair, or worse yet, the dreaded backless ottoman.  People need to stop pretending these are viable seats.  They aren’t, its a foot stool.  They were also a main contributor to the collapse of the ottoman empire. Seriously, all their soldiers ended up with scoliosis from sitting on those fucking nightmares.

Invites to a super bowl party from your friends puts you in a bit of a bad position.  You tell them no and make up some reason why you can’t go that everyone knows it total bullshit.  Then you feel guilty halfway through the game and it just takes away from the whole experience.   So I have devised a way to ensure this years invite will be your last.  Do the things I list below while at a super bowl party and decades of sitting in the comfort of you own home at game time will be yours.

1. Paint your face and chest.  No one likes a body painter.  When you get to the game and they see your face paint they will be uncomfortable.  Once the game starts, unleash the big guns and take off your shirt to reveal your body paint.  Don’t put your shirt back on for the duration of the party.  The hairier you are, the better.  Hopefully some of those hairs end up in the food.

2.  After the first big play of the game, scream Yatzee!  Then continue to scream Yatzee! after every 5th play, no matter how meaningless.  It doesn’t matter what type of play, just make sure you scream Yatzee!  at the end of the play.   If no one has killed you by the 4th quarter, begin grabbing and touching the people next to you while you scream it.

3. Ask if their appetizers are GMO free, and when they aren’t, sternly lecture the host and anyone else who will listen on the value of non GMO food and what your weekly meal plans are to avoid them.

4. If the host or hostess has children, quiz them about football.  When they get things wrong,  shake your head disapprovingly and sling back handed compliments at their parents about the kids lack of sports knowledge

5.  Upon entering the party, put your hand in your pants and leave it there till the end of the first quarter.  Make sure everyone sees it down there.  Then use that hand to eat something from all the community food available at the party, in plain site of everyone.  Make sure that hand gets in every chip bowl, every dip, and touches any and all sandwiches

6.  Volunteer to get people drinks and then take sips out of them as you walk back into the room to hand them out.

7.  Grab the remote and periodically change the channel to the puppy bowl, preferably mid play or when something exciting is close to happening.

8.  Listen carefully to find out what group of people are gung ho about the super bowl commercials, sit next to them, and just start running your mouth during the commercials.  Talk the whole time and make sure to face them so they can’t watch the TV.   This is also a great time to stand up and stretch in front of the couch, blocking multiple people at once.  This should be repeated for all commercial breaks.

9.  Fart…a lot.  Eat whatever food gives you the most gas before going over there.  Also taking a huge dump in the bathroom that everyone will be using is also acceptable in place of farting.

10.  After every commercial, say out loud “Who were the ad wizards that came up with that one?  Am I right?”

11.  Sing along with the halftime show.  And not just quietly, go full karaoke and talk about how much Katy Perry’s music inspires you in your day to day life.

12.  Show up empty handed and immediately start drinking all the booze that you didn’t buy.  Make sure if there are any craft beers you take those first and talk to everyone about how great the taste.

Well there you have it. Follow this simple plan and you too can enjoy the super bowl every year from the quiet and comfort of you own couch.  Some of these things might get you into some trouble so be sure to have a solid exit plan and enjoy the game.  If there is any justice in the world the Patriots will lose, but since there isn’t, they probably win by 2 touchdowns.

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