It’s a box…It’s a plate, but only if you are homeless. People with homes most likely have plates
You know what’s odd…you don’t?…good, I will tell you… as an adult you spend most of your time either being told what to do or, if you do something, its wrong. Your boss, your wife…especially her with those damn honey-do lists..that jerk at the paint store that kept ignoring me…you know who you are #paintfucker…not sure I am doing that hashtag thing right…#badhastagger…a bashtagger…more copyright money for me! So enter the internet, where I can just relax in world of fantasy…mostly sexual and moderately disturbing..and relax or exercise my forearms…and do and go where I please. Not so much anymore…the internet is getting uppity…like a bratty 3 year old that figured out they don’t have to listen to everything you say…little jerk-sticks. Now the internet seems to be getting off on telling me I am doing everything wrong….Here is a short list…Parenting..this one is too extensive to get into but I must address one thing…Blue Waffles…yes, you heard right…apparently if you make your own “natural batter” all waffles should be blue…they look disgusting…why anyone would want to eat something that looks like pureed smurfs compressed into a disk is beyond me..and the show off judgey parents that serve them and declare their kid eats all natural, doesn’t watch tv…blah blah blah…go fuck yourself….your kid is bored and miserable…who doesn’t let their kids watch Winnie the pooh…people who suck and Glenn Beck fans, that’s who..Glenn thinks Pooh is a Marxist..I know, right…what jackass…WARNING…you are probably curious but do not put blue waffles into a google image search…there is a reason there is no picture here…I know you will now search because I said not to so I will wait…………………..see…told you…it just pictures of diseased and rotten vaginas, buttholes, and infected foreskin…what the hell is that all about?…is that some kind of disease?……so parent of the year, you serve your kid a plate of disease in the morning?..I am calling CPS…I go with Egos…the American way, with an ingredients list that would give a dow chemical scientist a chubby..Enjoy your smurf meat you Gargamel!..references…sweet….I got off the rails a bit here…oh yeah, internet hatred…telling me that I have been doing things wrong my whole life, like taking off my shirt..some asshole on you tube shows you how to save a whole second with his shirt take off method…wow, you are incredible…can you come to my house and plan out my kitchen remodel?…shithead…cutting tomatos, eating pizza, eating cheeseburgers, doing laundry, brushing your teeth…seriously this stuff is out there…and they call them Life Hacks…wha?…riddle me this batman…what the fuck are you exactly hacking…hacking implies some type of awesome specialized skill…not standing in front of the mirror testing ways to flip off your shirt so you can get work in a low grade Tela-Novela…no idea how to spell that and refuse to look it up…a Spanish soap opera..which are awesome to watch even if you don’t speak Spanish..during a viewing I actual think I can speak it…not sure why…it is like a living picture book..anyway…the worst is something I saw recently…the Chinese food box is really a plate thing…”you have been eating Chinese food wrong your whole life!”…really, so shoveling those little fried bits of ardvaark or whatever the alley animal of the day is, chewing, and swallowing it was wrong…one site actually called it an “emergency plate”…how the hell could the words emergency and Chinese food be used in the same sentence that didn’t also contain the words shitting and pants?..instead of eating like a normal person I have to fold down the box like a fan to form a plate and then eat the food…you know what else is a plate genius?..a plate…so feel free to scrape your “food” off of MSG soaked cardboard with chopsticks, I will stick with my plate/fork combo…speaking of chopsticks, is there anything worse than chopsticks at an Asian food restaurant guy? they always have this whole routine so everyone will take notice of their ability to eat with sticks..using his chop sticks for everything, scraping them together to clean them, eating rice with them, etc….that is all for show.. the fork and the even better spork, are far supierior for eating food…anyone that uses two sticks to eat is just trying to impress someone else…why so insecure chop stick guy…small penis most likely…which you think you wouldn’t be worried about in an Asian eatery…baaaaziinng!! So internet, do me a favor….ease it up a bit….I don’t need to open my bananas the same way monkeys do…the less you are like the other assholes in my life…the better.
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